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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120947">chaos theory</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaembinn/pseuds/jaembinn'>jaembinn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional tags will be added, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Choi Soobin-Centric, Confused Choi Soobin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Choi Yeonjun, Sad Choi Soobin, Science Fiction &amp; Fantasy, i can promise you this will be a journey, so many angst here, trying my best not to add spoiler-y tags</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:09:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,805</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26120947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaembinn/pseuds/jaembinn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The universe works in the weirdest way.</p><p>(Alternatively: Soobin's stuck in a concept of time in which Yeonjun doesn't exist).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>chaos theory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>trigger warning: anxiety attack ! it starts from the line "whose video?" until the end of that section. please take care of yourself before getting to read this. my comment section's always open if you need anything.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soobin doesn't know where he is, but he can feel the way the blue butterfly lingers on his sight.</p><p>It's strikingly blue, adorned with black stripes on the skirts of its wings. The lines don't seem connected to Soobin, presumably because of the way it flies so nippy, he just squints his eyes and follows every step the butterfly made. Still, he exhales a breath knowing that humans aren't as fast at they think, and yet they're all so selfish of themselves, craving for supremacy and lethal victory without being fully aware that all of this could be taken away from them in a blink of an eye.</p><p>It's true. He blinks, and the blue butterfly's gone.</p><p>"No," he makes a sour face. "Come back."</p><p>Two, or three seconds later (Soobin counts with his fingers), he hears micro flaps of a wing right near his head. He almost gasps, turning around to see the blue butterfly fluttering like his own lashes. "Puppyong!" He whisper-shouts in a French accent, happy.</p><p>Unlike their first uncanny meeting, the papillon flies nearer to Soobin's private space, wings almost brushes the boy's nose and Soobin sneezes, scaring the small creature away. <em>Pollen?</em> He asks himself. He's not allergic to pollen, now this just feels more unearthly on each second.</p><p>"Pup," he stops midway. Body goes motionless.</p><p>The sound of the butterfly's wings halts, silence surrounds the vague room. Soobin steadies his breath and tries to calm the panic but to no avail, his eyes rake down to the grassy ground and he lifts up his foot only to catch a sight of blue scintillas, broken. Soobin panics, guilt overtakes his whole body and he can't help but to crouch down. But then before he can blame himself, an enormous cracking sound roars from across the sky. It was so loud, a noise that resembles loud anxiety-triggering trumpets have never cooperated him well, let alone an inhumane one.</p><p>"Hyung," he shakes, fully conscious of not knowing who did he just call for. "I'm scared."</p><p>And yet his head automatically looks up, finding a gigantic crack on the sky.</p><p>The sky, he can see another earth just right beyond the unzipped dark blue, hovering. As if it doesn't know that Soobin himself, an average human, is also living on <em>earth</em>.</p><p><em>There's.. another earth up there.</em> Just, innocently floating.</p><p>Soobin trembles, fluttering his eyes close to remind himself that everything's gonna be okay and yet his terrified teardrops tells otherwise.</p><p>"Hyung," someone whispers. He shakes his head, still terrified.</p><p>"Soobin hyung."</p><p>"Hyung, Soobin hyung!"</p><p>He jostles awake, eyes still wet from the strange encounter he had somewhere but then what made him feel more awake was this, place. He's back in the dance studio now.</p><p>"Hyung, you were- Oh my god, we were so worried. You were just sitting down but then you," Kai scratches the back of his head. "You started crying! Beomgyu hyung went out to find Junhyuk hyung-"</p><p>"Huening-ah, don't.." Taehyun grabs the younger's active hand. "Let him breathe first."</p><p>Soobin on the other hand, doesn't want to be silent. His tongue finally frees itself from being intact, tears are still tangled on the glasses of his eyes. "It's okay, I'm alright."</p><p>Both boys stare at him in utter confusion, one of them then blurts out a question. "Are you sure, hyung?"</p><p>"Yeah," he sniffles, now trying his best to stand up. "It's just a nightmare, right? At least I woke up."</p><p>Soobin walks to the right side of the room, and he squints. The TV and the shoe racks are not there. He remembers putting his own water bottle near the shoe racks.</p><p>He turns his head to look at the left side of the room. No TV, just shoe racks. And a blue couch. He sees his own bottle on the couch.</p><p>"Who put my," his voice gets dimmed by the creak of the door. Everyone looks back to the source of it, having Beomgyu and their manager almost looked like they ran throughout the hallways. The door closes and small mutters of relief start to fill the room, they're about to let out words of <em>oh, thank god you're okay,</em> but Taehyun and Kai are out of it. Beomgyu goes up to Soobin only to be cut with a <em>wait</em> coming from Taehyun.</p><p>"What," Beomgyu feels offended. "What's wrong?"</p><p>"Soobin hyung, you weren't," Taehyun gulps. Everyone does too. "You weren't sleeping."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>[ ㅅ ㄱ ]</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Soobin squints, amazed at how their shoe racks got a bit smaller. <em>When did they buy another one?</em></p><p>"We changed our racks?" Soobin cuts the silence, voice still sore from the earlier incident but he ignores it, adjusting to the maknaes' rapid motion of taking their shoes off. Beomgyu already entered his room when he asks, Kai is still stuck on his shoelaces, and Taehyun just doesn't get it. "When?"</p><p>"Really funny, hyung."</p><p>Soobin snickers at that, lips not turning into a full smile and he eyes right and left as if he's offended. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"What do you mean <em>what do you mean</em>?"</p><p>Kai's now on his room, leaving Taehyun and Soobin unhinged, standing like idiots in the living room. "Something's wrong."</p><p>Soobin groans, massaging his own head and he roughly puts his shoes on this, <em>weird</em> shoe rack that he's never seen before. And now that they spoke the same words at the same time, it just makes things feel a lot more disorienting. "You first."</p><p>"No," Taehyun shakes his head, now taking off his jacket. "What happened?"</p><p>Soobin shrugs.</p><p>"Hyung." There is it again, that pleading tone. "You were literally having a, I don't know! An actual anxiety attack. We can't just leave it at that. We need to tell Junh-"</p><p>"Then there you have it, an anxiety attack. Just tell me when did we change our racks." Soobin declares, nose almost flaring from the amount of frustration. Taehyun only stares back like Soobin had three eyes, and it just exhausts everything so much, the leader only wants to sleep and forget everything that happened today. And so he walks away, feet leading himself to his and Beomgyu's room and Soobin mutters under his breath. "<em>I was just asking about some dumb racks, he just had to bring something else up, huh?</em>"</p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p>Soobin rolls his eyes, familiar of this parental vibe coming from Taehyun and he pushes his room's door open, seeing Beomgyu playing with his phone on the top bunk, not minding anything. "Taehyun-ah, I just need a shit ton of sleep-"</p><p>Taehyun cuts in. "But that's my room."</p><p>"What do you mean?" He asks back, obviously not in the mood to play games.</p><p>And then Taehyun's face goes pale, as if a ghost just touched his skin. "You.."</p><p>"You're not secretly dealing with drugs, are you?"</p><p>Soobin widens his eyes, hands instinctively closing the door back. He's sweating, and he doesn't even know why. "Taehyun, this isn't funny.."</p><p>"No, seriously." Soobin had known the younger as one of the calmest people he'd ever encountered, and remains to be one as well. It's just, today had been weird, but never to the point that Taehyun looks like he's the one panicking. "Hyung, you're so <em>off</em> today. And I d- I don't mean it in any way, but something definitely happened when you were having this, attack you had. I don't even know if it's called an anxiety attack! You were just talking with Huening, you weren't sleeping at all and then you started crying. That's definitely not a nightmare, and not <em>just </em>an attack as well. Something must've triggered you. If it wasn't drugs, then what was it? What was on your m-"</p><p>"Woah woah woah, okay. Easy." Soobin's heart palpitates from a terrifying adrenaline for the first time that year. Once seeing a blue spot on the wall, his voice breaks into almost a whisper. "Taehyun, I don't know what kind of game you're playing but we can play it some other day. I am exhausted, I swear to god."</p><p>"Hyung, I'm not playing games-"</p><p>"BUT YOU'RE SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME, STOP IT!"</p><p>"Really funny, hyung."</p><p>Soobin's heart pauses in two shakes of a lamb's tail. He's still breathing hard, adrenaline rushed from the snap. <em>That voice,</em> he knows that voice. Taehyun have said this before. The leader still had tears on his eyes, and so Soobin quickly damps them under his sleeve after pausing from untying his shoes. <em>Shoes?</em> A quick look around, Kai is still stuck on his shoelaces, Beomgyu is entering his room, and Taehyun seems like he doesn't get it. Another quick look around, he now realizes why the shoe racks have gotten a little bit smaller.</p><p>
  <em>Yeonjun's shoes weren't there.</em>
</p><p>Within seconds, Soobin vomits on the floor.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>[ ㅅ ㄱ ]</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Soobin hyung, why are you awake?"</p><p>Soobin recoils, body turning rigid and he turns his phone off. The kitchen of the dorm goes dark, only the moonlight beaming through the small windows and Beomgyu's sense of alertness. It seems like he actually didn't mind seeing Soobin there. His voice was groggy, the cool silent air accompanied by Beomgyu's hard exhales through the nose, and his dark brown hair fully unkempt. Remembering the sudden weird change of him not being roommates with Beomgyu anymore, Soobin looks away. He feels like puking again. "I needed some water."</p><p>"Didn't Kai already bring some for you?"</p><p>Soobin gets back to his seat from one of the dining chairs, turning his phone on back again. "It, uh, I needed more."</p><p>"You know you should like," Beomgyu opens the fridge. The kitchen is now a bit illuminated, making Soobin squint. "Get some rest, right, hyung? You had a bad day today."</p><p>Soobin's stomach churns at that, still familiar with the sour taste on everywhere around his mouth. "Yeah, I know. I just, wanted to check on my phone. I didn't really want Huening to wake up so I came.. here."</p><p>He wanted to check on his phone to find Yeonjun's contact for hours. None was found.</p><p>"Shit." Beomgyu curses, almost a whisper. "We ran out of milk!"</p><p>"You drink milk," Soobin stares back at him, dazed. "In the middle of the night?"</p><p>There's another line of curses stemning from the younger's lips, Soobin notices how his own skil crawl just by hearing Beomgyu curse this often. Beomgyu closes the fridge's door and he starts to open one of the upper cabinets, taking out a box of cereal and Soobin feels nauseous. "Cereal, actually. But now that we don't have milk, I better suck it up and eat like a maniac with no milk. Don't judge me, I'm hungry."</p><p>"I won't." And he doesn't know what he was answering to. His thoughts dawdle to everything that has been happening, oblivious to Beomgyu's accidental loud scrunches on his mouth and Soobin just wants to cry on the spot. He doesn't know what's happening, a gigantic fog engulfs every state of mind he had left in his life. Soobin wants to cry, but there's nothing to cry out because he still doesn't know what the <em>fuck</em> is happening. "I won't."</p><p>"You want some?" Beomgyu shoves his hand out, Soobin shakes his head. "You sure?"</p><p>"Whose debut introduction video from one of us that got posted first?"</p><p>Beomgyu stops munching. "What?"</p><p>"You hear me," Soobin's throat hurts. Beomgyu must've noticed it the moment there's a slight tremble on Soobin's voice. "Whose video?"</p><p>"Um," Beomgyu clears his throat. "Yours, hyung. What about it?"</p><p>The universe stops turning, and Soobin's chest starts to hurt. He can't breathe, moreover to his eyes staring back at his phone's screen, mockingly lit bright and it shows Soobin's recent search from the very last website he had run into. No Choi Yeonjun that he knows. Nothing. None.</p><p>"Wait.. Soobin hyung, you okay?"</p><p>"This can't be real, this can't be real." There's a staccato on his breathing, a round gloss enveloping both of his eyes and his chest hurts. It hurts so much, so much now that he can see stars on his beeline and he puts his phone away with a loud thud on the table. Soobin whimpers, body still stiff but he manages to stand up and walk away, not minding Beomgyu's concerned questions.</p><p>And when he finds himself standing in front of Yeonjun's room, he barges in. Only to find himself slowly drifting, drifting further to the depth of his own mind. [It's only a walk-in closet. There's not a single bed. Not a single Tom Ford Noir on the nightstand, begging for Yeonjun to be used for every occasion they have since their last comeback. (Soobin remembers so bad how Yeonjun used to brag that goddamn perfume everywhere around the dorm). Not a single fox plushie that Hueningkai once gave to Yeonjun for his previous birthday, laying around somewhere. Nothing, it's just clothes being hanged in here. It reeks of dust; like a room that has never been used before].</p><p>"Soobin hyung..?"</p><p>Soobin then, when all is said and done, breaks. Body drops to the floor, the universe follows.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
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</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>This time, a puma follows him.</p><p>Soobin's breath falters. He can smell the way his own fear bleed, face turning white and cold sweat trickling down his back and palms. There's no way; <em>no<em>way in hell that this was real in any way but the puma's approach comes out too proper. His brain would never be this skilled in thinking of how pumas look like or how they breathe and walk, let alone thinking on what kind of feline this is.</em></em></p><p>
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  <em>He's not coming closer, Bin-ah,<em> he thought. <em>This must be some fucked up lucid dream, it's okay.<em>He will wake up, he can handle this.</em></em></em></em>
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</p><p>Only until the feline screams, something that sounds like an overgrown house cat and it made Soobin flinch so hard; body shaking like leaf and the fact that this place seems like nothing only makes everything hard. He wants to get out.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Shh, shh, okay. Please go." In a different occasion, this would be the best thing for him to make light of. Talking to a wild cat just for it to leave? The maknaes would, as likely as not, laugh like a drain about it. But the terror says otherwise. Nothing about this is funny. The thought of being dead only in a split second terrifies him to the bottom of his stomach, and he can feel bile rising onto his throat.</p><p>
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</p><p>And Soobin swears that, in less that a second away from the puma jumping on him, he caught a glimpse of a blue butterfly; flapping its wings across the sky.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Soobin-ssi."</p><p>
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</p><p>The audio on his ears switches, now to a more tranquil noise of people breathing. The scent of alcohol and body odors reaches him, making his eyes water and body shivers from the lack of room temperature. It's cold, and so are the doctor's eyes, and the members standing behind. (There's not a single puma nor butterflies on sight).</p><p>
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</p><p>"Soobin-ssi, can you hear me?"</p><p>
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</p><p>Soobin doesn't answer. He looks down to his own position, and frowns at how he's not exactly laying down due to the pillows being stacked upwards, his back hurts and everything hurts. He spots a syringe on the back of his hand, and half of the tube filled with blood, the rest is the fluid from the IV bag (<em>Did something happen?</em>) hung right beside the bed. More nurses came, the smell of alcohol tightens. His clothes aren't exactly.. clothes. They're green, and Soobin's conscious enough to point out what he's wearing right now.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Soobin hyung..?" He swiftly looks up, eyes searching for the source of voice only to find Hueningkai right behind Beomgyu. Soobin's eyes well up, overwhelmed. "Hyung, please nod if you can hear us."</p><p>
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</p><p><em>I can't,</em> he doesn't know what was he answering to. But he nods, lips quivering from the slow tears streaming down his face. His throat hurts from holding the sobs and the way that he could see one of the nurses taking care of his IV had a frown on her face, it made everything feel worse. There's a few sniffles coming from one of the boys, Soobin can't help but to cover his face with his own free hand. The doctor then whispers to them, "I'll let you kids have your time after our nurses finished setting things up, okay?"</p><p>
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</p><p>"Soobin-ssi." The doctor turns around, smiles, almost too soft. Soobin holds his breath. "I'm glad you're awake."</p><p>
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</p><p>The nurses are done with the IV. When he noticed it, there's no more blood on the tube. Just clear fluid. As if nothing had happened.</p><p>
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</p><p>Nothing happened even after the boys rush into him, crying their eyes out with concerned remarks here and there. Nothing happened even after the doctor walks away only to find Junhyuk, the boys' manager, right by the door and talking in hushed whispers, mentioning the name "Soobin" a few times. Nothing happened even after he counts the boys, one by one. There's only three of them. No striking yellow-haired one on sight.</p><p>
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</p><p>Soobin has been dancing all night long.</p><p>
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</p><p>With his eyes focused through the mirror, his muscles never stop. Every moving limb screams right on the beat, cold sweat dripping on the exact same rhythm to the floor. </p><p>
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</p><p>Kai feels himself cringing, not brave enough to say, <em>hyung, let's rest,<em> stomach churning at the thought of Soobin dropping again. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to his hyung, ever. It terrifies him so much. At this point, he doesn't mind being scolded for a whole month by his own trainer back in the days when he hadn't debuted yet, it was one of the worst times but compared to this; seeing your own leader breaking for no reason; just scares him to death. Kai has never been in a broken family. His parents loved and are still loving each other, all harmonies attached. Of course, there's a few little arguments here and there, but it wouldn't go to the point of him being scared seeing his own parents fight. He's never been on to that and is remarkably grateful about it, but perhaps this night may change everything. He's scared, and it feels like he's seeing his own family break and fall apart; just from a figure of Choi Soobin.</em></em></p><p>
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</p><p>"Hyung." Kai awkwardly giggles, hands almost clapping fastly one another just to cope with the nerves. "Maybe we should, uh.. rest?"</p><p>
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</p><p>Soobin doesn't hear anything. The dirty bass surrounding the studio only clogs his ears more, Kai then clears his throat out loud.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Hyung?" Kai calls, a bit louder this time. He mumbles a few things under his breath, eyes travelling around and he finds Soobin's espresso standing proudly on the floor, right near the couch. He shakes his head, <em>coffee won't do good this time,</em> and takes his own water bottle instead, opening the lid. The younger walks closer to Soobin. "Hyung, come on, it's okay if you don't wanna rest now but you should dri-"</p><p>
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</p><p>A loud splash scatters around the room. Wet, colorless painting sprayed on their expressions and sweaty shirts, bottle now shamelessly rolling to the edge. Away from them. Soobin's chest moves rapidly, eyes not looking anywhere but his own feet and he feels his own heart shatter to pieces knowing that five; six seconds has passed and Kai hasn't said anything; hasn't moved an inch. The music is loud, but his ears are all on the walls now. Soobin expects a giggle or an embarrassed apology, but nothing came out from the younger.</p><p>
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</p><p>The universe laughs.</p><p>
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</p><p>And when Soobin thought the music stopped, it repeats again. The unfamiliar intro stabs on his eardrums, and he trembles. His right hand, the one that slapped the bottle away from his own sanity, trembles along. "Hyung's sorry, Huening-ah."</p><p>
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</p><p>Kai, on the other hand, is beyond shocked. From all people he expected to be potentially harmful is people like Beomgyu, one of those who gets violently aggressive at the mere thought of his own pillow being stolen for a short prank. Soobin's on the bottom of the list; or perhaps he's not even there. He's not supposed to be there, it's what nature gives him. He's the human form of gentle. If he's mad, Kai noted, he'd spray anything through words. Soobin doesn't fight with his own body; everything is justified with words and that's why everyone had a thought that sounds like something around 'Oh, I'm not surprised' when the leader position announcement was out. He's known to be gentle. He's known to listen; never to recklessly fight people off out of impulse.</p><p>
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</p><p>With that, tears stream down Kai's cheeks. Scared.</p><p>
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</p><p>"Oh, oh god, Huening- baby, Hueningie. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-" He grimaces to himself. The humiliation now fills his own stomach completely; the meal he had this ten hours ago was long forgotten. He runs across the room to mindlessly scramble around the computer, quickly turning the music off with a click on the mouse and without a hint of realization, he's crying as well. There's a big lump on his throat as he gets back to Kai, arms surrounding the younger one as warm as he could and Kai is now sobbing so loud. Soobin stops his own cries from being let out, only letting the tears speak and he caresses the boy's hair. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."</p><p>
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</p><p>"I just don't want you to get sick again, hyung.." Kai trails, voice dimmed from speaking against Soobin's shoulder. "I was so scared when you, when you got into the hospital. I thought I w- I w- I's dreaming. I thought it was just a nightmare."</p><p>
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</p><p>"It wasn't." Soobin hoped otherwise. "I'm here now, I got you."</p><p>
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</p><p>"But why were you mad?"</p><p>
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</p><p>This time, Soobin can feel his own breath being taken away as Kai forcefully lets himself go from the embrace. There's a comfortable distance between them, but something about this is breaking one of them to pieces. "Why did you get so, so worked up, hyung? I on, only wanted to get you some water."</p><p>
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</p><p>Soobin blames himself even more. "I wanted to practice the dance."</p><p>
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</p><p>"But you're like," Kai sniffs, angry tears coming out. Face red. "You got praised weeks ago by our dance teachers for being the absolute best this time. <em>What is going on with you, hyung?</em>"</p><p>
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</p><p>"I don't know the song." Soobin states, words flowing out too quick. "I've never heard of the song before."</p><p>
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</p><p>One of them hitches his breath. "What?"</p><p>
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</p><p>The Chaos Theory begins as Soobin says, "I don't think I'm supposed to be here, Huening-ah."</p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>finally,, end of chapter 1! kudos and comments are always appreciated!!! i can promise u the next chapter is when the messed up adventure begins</p></blockquote></div></div>
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